Mommy Unicorn was always very busy. There always seemed to be things that needed doing. There were dishes that needed cleaning and floors to sweep and food to fix. There were bills to pay and groceries that needed buying. Daddy unicorn did the laundry and yard work and he was always busy also. The three little unicorns helped with their chores but they had little unicorn things to do and they needed someone to drive them to soccer practice and piano lessons. Sometimes Mommy Unicorn just got so tired she didn’t want to do anything.
One day Mommy Unicorn felt really cross. Earlier that day her boss told her that she needed to redo her project. The client didn’t like her idea. Then on the way home, Ella spilled her drink in the car. Kelana, who was only three, was singing a silly song over and over. Breyden reminded Mommy that he needed new shin guards for soccer. Mommy just felt tired.
When they got home, Mommy tried to listen to the news while starting dinner. Kelana was happy singing her song over and over and Ella and Breyden started arguing about who could kick a soccer ball further. Mommy just got angrier and angrier and then she shouted, “Kelana, stop singing! Breyden and Ella, be quiet!” All the little unicorns got upset and started crying. Then Mommy said, “Oh my, I need a ‘time away’ for yelling. I am going to go to my room and lie down for a few minutes,” and then she went upstairs.
Mommy lay down and started taking some deep breaths. She would count to three while she breathed in and would count to four when she breathed out. Ella and Breyden and Kelana stood outside her door and looked at her. “When is your time away over?” Ella asked.
“I need just a few more minutes,” Mommy answered. “I don’t want to come downstairs until I can be civil.”
When Mommy came downstairs she felt better. She remembered that not everything had to be done at the same time. She put the dinner in the refrigerator for the next day. She said, “Let’s have some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches tonight and go get Breyden’s new shin guards.”
On the way to the store Kelana started singing her song again and Mommy said, “Let’s listen to my new CD—I haven’t had time to hear it yet.” It wasn’t the kind of music that the little unicorns liked but they decided to let their mommy hear it since she was having a bad day. On the way home, Mommy said, “I’m going to let each of you choose a song and if we don’t get them all heard before we get home then we can listen to them in the house.”
When they got home, Daddy was there. He had had a bad day also. “Where have you been?” he asked. “All the lights were left on upstairs wasting energy! Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know!”
Mommy looked at Daddy and said, “It sounds like you need some ‘Time Away’ also. Do you want to lie down or go on a bike ride?”
Daddy decided to go on a bike ride which was a pretty funny sight—a unicorn riding a bike.
“Why do unicorns need ‘Time Away’?” Kelana asked Mommy.
“Oh, everyone gets tired and cross now and again. When you feel angry, you need to think about why you are angry and with whom. Sometimes you need to speak to the person you are angry with or sometimes you need to change a situation but before you do these things you need to understand what is making you angry. Remember when Missy, your cousin, and her mommy, my sister, had a fight? Missy wanted to buy some expensive jeans and her mommy didn’t want to pay that much for the jeans. Then Missy went into her room and slammed the door. That made her mommy so angry she thought she would scream. But instead of screaming she took some ‘Time Away’ and thought about what was making her angry. She was angry because Missy didn’t seem to understand that she and Missy’s dad worked hard to make money to take care of the family and that there was never enough money for everything.”
“After she thought about why she was so mad, Missy’s mommy explained that slamming the door was really rude and she thought that if she and Missy just talked about the conflict they could find solution. Missy was mad because it seemed that her mommy was always just telling her no, she couldn’t do this or that, she couldn’t buy this or that. After the talk, they decided that this time, her mommy would give Missy the amount which plain jeans cost and Missy would use her own money for the difference. They also agreed that in the future Missy would receive a monthly allowance for clothes—the same amount her mommy usually spent—and she could spend it anyway she wanted. After all, she was thirteen and old enough to plan for the clothes she would need and learn to budget. Just being angry at each other didn’t solve the problem.”
Kelana thought about the time her friend, Bobby, didn’t play with her at recess and how mad she got. Instead of telling Bobby that he hurt her feelings, she had snapped at her friend Laura. She thought next time she would just tell Bobby he hurt her feelings or ignore him and go play with Laura.
After Daddy came home from his bike ride, Mommy said, “I am going to take a walk by myself and just listen to the night sounds.” Daddy started to say that he wanted time to clean up and get something to drink before watching the little unicorns, but then he realized that Mommy had not had any time by herself and that he could probably get his stuff done and watch the children. Mommy Unicorn had a good walk and joined the family for bedtime rituals. She helped tuck everyone in bed after story time and then went downstairs. Mommy and Daddy Unicorn looked at each other, smiled at their good fortune to have such fun little unicorns and decided that they both needed to ‘just put their feet up’ as the saying goes.
Notes for parents:
It is important to model how to handle anger for your children. Time Away or counting to 10 are important self control mechanisms that our children will learn best by watching us use them.
Time away is different from time outs in that the person needing to take a break gets to decide how long he need to be in his room or doing a solo activity. Timeouts are used to stop a child from doing an undesirable activity—especially an aggressive activity because it makes logical sense that no one wants to be around him when he is hitting, kicking or biting.
Anger, and how to deal with it, is something we work on all our lives. Sometimes we use the emotion to help us accomplish difficult tasks or change bad situations. In order for us to use it wisely we need to understand what we are angry about. There is a famous saying by Aristotle, “Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way, that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.”
Breyden was a busy little unicorn. He was two years old and when he was happy, he was the happiest unicorn in the world and when he was mad, he was the maddest unicorn in the world. He would get up in the morning with a big smile and then he would run and run. Usually he was a quiet unicorn but sometimes he needed to just run and run and neigh and neigh. There always seemed to be so many things to see and do.
It seemed that his mommy was always telling Breyden what to do but mostly what not to do. She would tell him to get up because he needed to go to Jan’s house while she went to work. Or she would tell him to hold still so she could get his clothes on. Breyden didn’t like to hold still. He wanted to run and run.
When Breyden was at Jan’s there was a schedule to follow. There was breakfast, outside time, work time, naptime, snack time, clean up time, music time and then wait time. Sometimes the “wait time” while he waited for Mommy or Daddy to pick him up seem liked the longest time of the day.
By the time Breyden got home he was tired and cross. He didn’t want to be good or hold still. He didn’t want to share toys with his big sister Ella. He didn’t want to do anything. When Ella told him to share, he hit her.
“Breyden, you know that if you hit, you will be in time out,” his mommy exclaimed. She picked him up and put him on the living room couch. She held the timer and said, “You need to sit there for two minutes until the timer makes a noise.” Breyden slumped on the couch. He slithered on the couch and then he got off the couch. His mommy said “Breyden, if you get off the couch I have to start the timer over again” and then she picked him up and put him back on the couch and reset the timer. This time Breyden sat on the couch and when the timer rang his mommy said, “Okay, you can get off the couch but no hitting.
Breyden went back to the toy box and started playing with his truck. His sister came over and put her face close to his face and asked if he wanted to have a tea party. Breyden didn’t want to have a tea party and he didn’t like his sister so close so he bit her. Mommy proclaimed, “Breyden, if you kick, hit, bite or throw things at people you will be in time out!” and then she picked him up and carried him back to the couch. Breyden sat on the couch with a scowl on his face and when the timer rang he got off the couch and lay down on the floor.
Mommy looked at Breyden, turned the dinner on the stove to low and came over and picked Breyden up and hugged him. She whispered, “I love you. I think we are all tired out now but after dinner and a rest let’s go for a walk with Dad. Come play with your plastic containers in the kitchen while I finish supper.”
Breyden went into the kitchen and played with the plastic containers in his cabinet. He took a spoon and banged on the containers. Then two containers got stuck together and he got mad. He picked up the containers and threw them at his mother. His mother cried out, “Oh Breyden, that hurt. Now you’ve thrown something at me and you have to go to time out again.” Then she picked him up and took him back to the couch.
After this time out Breyden’s daddy came home. He carried Breyden upstairs to change clothes. Daddy tossed Breyden in the air and made him giggle. They played chase in the house and Ella wanted to play. Daddy started tickling Ella and then they all started playing chase. After they were tired, Ella told Daddy that Breyden had had three timeouts already. This made Breyden mad. He turned around and kicked Ella. Daddy said, “Breyden, if you kick you will be in time-out” and then he picked Breyden up and took him to the couch. Breyden started shouting but Daddy just held the timer until Breyden was quiet and then Daddy started the timer.
When the timeout was over, everyone ate dinner and Mommy and Daddy looked at each other and rolled their eyes. “Let’s go for walk,” Dad said. After walk and bath and story time were done, Breyden fell fast asleep.
The next morning Breyden woke up all smiles and giggles. He squirmed while his mommy tried to dress him and Mommy gave up and tickled him. She put his clothes in his back pack and carried him down to breakfast. She told him to remember that if he hit, kicked or bit anyone that he would be in time out either at home or at Jan’s. She showed him the timer and let him play with it and learn how it worked. She said, “Remember if I have to reset the timer because you get out of time out, it takes longer until the noise happens.” Then they talked about the outing he was going to have at Jan’s house that day. They were going to the zoo!
When Breyden got home that night he was very tired. Mommy got everyone some orange juice and they all sat on the couch and watched Sesame Street. While Mommy went upstairs to change clothes, Ella was building a city with Lego’s and Breyden started to help her. When she told him to stop helping, he got mad and hit her. Mommy came downstairs and picked Breyden up and put him on the couch and set the timer. After timeout, Breyden got down and started playing with his truck. Ella came over and asked “Can I have your truck to use in my city?”
Breyden didn’t want to lend Ella his truck and he wanted to hit her but he didn’t want to go to time out. So he just said, “No!” and Ella went away and found another truck. Mommy said, “Good job, not fighting.” Then Breyden felt good about himself and decided to go to the kitchen and play in his cabinet.
When Daddy came home that night Mommy said, “Breyden and Ella had a busy day and saw a lot of animals at the zoo. Breyden has done very well this evening and had only had one time out. I think he understands if you hit, kick or bite, no one wants to be with you so that you have to be by yourself for a few minutes.”
The family ate sandwiches for dinner, Breyden had a bath playing with Ella, and then they had story time. They read a book about a little boy who had trouble with his temper and had to learn to not hit when he was mad or he would have to go to time out. The story made Breyden giggle because even little boys had timeouts—not just little unicorns! Then Daddy and Mommy kissed him goodnight and he fell right to sleep. He was a very happy, and a very tired, little unicorn.
Notes for parents:
It is important to remember that discipline always works best if there is a natural or logical consequence to the action. In this case it makes logical sense that if the child hits or kicks or is aggressive, he should go to timeout. Nobody wants to be around someone who is aggressive so that person has to be alone. A simple example of logical and natural timeouts is the following:
If your child is climbing on a chair and you are afraid that he might fall, you can tell him to sit in or get off the chair because he may fall. If he falls, you can tell him “oops, I was afraid of that” and let his action teach him consequences. If falling is too risky, tell your child that he will need to sit in the chair or get off the chair because you are afraid that he will fall. If he continues to climb, remove him from the chair. Problem is solved; there is no need for punishments or bribes. It is tempting to say to a child that he won’t get a treat such as a lollipop if he doesn’t behave but unless the treat is directly related to his actions such a ploy will often backfire. Before long he is testing how many times he can climb in the chair before loosing a treat, or if one child behaves and another child doesn’t you’re faced with the situation of one child eating a lollipop if front of the other child. It is always best to think why we want our children to do something and what the natural or logical consequences are if they don’t do it.
It is also important to have plenty of “time in” when raising children. In this story the snuggle time watching Sesame Street which mommy arranges after the second day defuses some of the tension built up by a busy or exhausting day. If you are having recurrent battles with your child, you need to change the routine of your day or the setting of the battles. I can remember coming home from work after picking up my children from day care and just wanting 20 minutes to change my clothes and start dinner. Invariably my children would start to fight or whine. I learned to come home, get everyone a drink, and sit on the floor and watch something peaceful on TV. After a little cuddle time, everyone would relax and tell me about their day. Then I could change clothes and do a few simple tasks to start the evening. It is also very helpful to tell children what to do, not just what not to do. Telling Breyden to come play in the kitchen while she made dinner gave him something to do while Mommy finished her task.
There is usually a time in your child’s development when she needs to learn not to be physically aggressive. During this period, it can seem that you are always putting her in time-out. Don’t despair. If you are consistent about not tolerating aggressive activity, within a few weeks the activity will greatly diminish and your evenings will return to something besides a series of time outs.